Losing Friends

We are losing our dog. Flynn was diagnosed a few months back with cancer in his hip and left leg. Doc said at the best 6 months. Flynn is only 6 years old, young in dog years and younger in human years. Since the diagnosis, I got over the initial thoughts of finding him dead each morning and now watch with as much denial as I can how slowly he wears away. His body fades in contrast to the spirit he struggles to maintain for our appearances. What a noble and brave animal, what a gentle and loving friend. My ex teacher and friend Mitch Lyons is losing his wife of all his life to cancer. What started as breast cancer has spread throughout her body as she has decided to stop the chemotherapy treatments. Mitch must watch as his friend wears away. I cannot imagine the pain he is wracked with each day as he watches and waits. This death thing is so hard. I am not a Christian though I have a strong personal belief in a power greater than I so I don't buy into the consolation game of 'they are going to a better place'. Here is the better place! Pain should not be the final part of love and yet it is always so. It is so important to embrace love with reckless consideration of it ever ending for not doing so would somehow prevent us from fully experiencing the best it has to offer. Sometimes this seems like taking it for granted and when we realize this we need to act. What will life be without Flynn here, I won't say I can't imagine because I can and the sadness associated with it is overwhelming. Flynn is our dog, our protector, our routine, our comfort, our joy, our family, our friend. I believe he knows he is dying and I can see how upset he gets not for himself but because he somehow thinks he is failing us. He spent his entire life trying to please us every day and now he thinks, he knows that soon he will not be able to do this. If only we could convince him that it's OK. We can have unconditional love too. We need to have unconditional love for others more often. I have failed in my life at doing this and Flynn has taught me how to see it. It was a very generous thing he has done for/to me. When I think about my own death I always think about how it will affect others, Susan and Cale especially. I do not fear what is next for me when it happens as I have beliefs which I won't bore you with. I would really like to do as much love as I can for as long as I can and I will approach it with the reckless abandon with no regrets. I have no regrets about our dog and the life we have given him in exchange for his. We still have some time left and we will laugh and love until we part. To anyone who reads this, do some unconditional love thing to someone today. My apologies for the topics of late, it's what the universe has given me to work with.

Life Markers

I just came back from the animal hospital having left my cat of 15+ years to be put to sleep. It's such a nice way of saying it. Doesn't matter who you are, the overwhelming sadness of having to do this is inescapable. Ashley was very old, had a heart condition and weighed only 5 lbs at her death. It was a humane and kind act we did to prevent her suffering and I wish at this time I could be happy and celebrate her life but I cannot. Death is so final, memories are not and as I sit here writing tonight I think so much of times passage. I know this is only our cat but I remember so strongly of when I got her and how short and fast 15 years seems now. Paul Simon said "After changes upon changes we are more or less the same" . Things have changed so much in 15 years for me. I mean holy crap, look at those grandkids! Our pets are part of us, we raised them, fed them, cleaned up after them, and shared parts of ourselves not meant for others to know. A quiet afternoon in the garden surrounded by lima bean plants and shared with Ashley who hadn't a clue how nice the moment was.

This time is passed. Another marker behind me. I think any young readers here may not relate to this as well as we older folks can. Time passes and I am Terry Plasket. It is at moments like this we seem to be able to prioritize our lives a little easier. I liked my cat, not everyone did especially Joober who was often on the receiving end of a playful swat, but I liked my cat. In the past few years I didn't spend as much time with her as I once did, she was kinda independent but she was there in my life regardless. Cats are like that. Hell, pets are like that. I swear my next pet will be a Galapagos Turtle, something that will outlive me.

So I feel a little more empty tonight, reflective and fortunate. Fortunate to have had this 5lb ball of gray hair give me so much unconditional love, fortunate to have had this animal listen to my rants with righteous indifference, fortunate to have had this 'marker' a part of my life. I hope I can be as good a marker for anyone who wants it.

A special thanks to Susan here for all her strength, support, and compassion. It is a marker for her as well.

God Gave Us Two Ears

God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Why do people have an incessant need to tell me about themselves. There is a big difference between having a conversation and being a validation board for people. I like most everyone, I like to talk to most everyone but I don't want to nor do I need to hear about the most insignificant parts of peoples lives. I really just don't care. This mostly happens at work where since I make my living as a potter, no one thinks what I do is really work. Since I am not really working, it is OK to sit next to me and tell me what you think is important. It's not even what you think is important, you think I really care about your running verbiage and I don't. I care about you as a person, but you don't respect the fact that I am working and I would like to focus on that, I do not want to hear about your past or present lives. There is a time and place for this, it's called "after work" or it's called "writing a blog"! What makes it so hard for me is that when one person spills their stories to me for thirty minutes and screws up that part of the day, after they leave another slips right into their place. I don't care what you saw on television last night or who you slept with or what planet you would like to visit or how to cook bratwurst on the grill or especially any kind of gossip. I AM TRYNG TO WORK. No, just because I demo for the public all the time does not mean I don't want to focus on my work without talking to you. I don't wish to be mean to anyone nor do I not like you anymore, I really cannot sustain this barrage of chit chat anymore in my life. I have x amount of years left in my life and those are reserved for my work and my family. I would love to talk to you after work or at a social gathering or hell, just e-mail me, but please speak to me with your head and not your mouth. I don't need to have the silence in the room broken for the sake of my supposed amusement.

Now, if anyone I know reads this and is offended and wishes not to have me for a friend anymore, then you just didn't hear what I said and I'm sorry you feel this way. I don't come to your workplace and sit next to you while you are trying to work and talk. I will accord you the respect you accord me. I have a great many wonderful people in my life and for the most part, I like them/you but I can't sustain this interruption of my space anymore. If you don't accept this, then I really don't want you for my friend. I'm sure you can find a substitute for me quite easily. Please excuse this mornings rant for anyone living afar. It will become more clear as you get to know me. Oh, and by the way, the picture of my son Cale has nothing to do with this blog today, I just like the picture. He is so much my son! Peace

Impending Doom

I love the feeling of impending doom. I liked it a whole lot more before I lived in a house in the woods but there is still an edge to it all that rattles routine and complacency. For the most part, besides the highest property taxes and car insurance in the nation, South jersey is not a bad place to live. We will never be that area shown on the weather channel for severe weather or on CNN for any story using the word 'epicenter'. But this weekend, we will have the remnants of Hurricane Hanna bringing rain and tropical storm winds. Local news channels are having a field day with this and I would bet the ranch that the food stores will be sold out of milk and bread by Saturday morning. Milk and Bread? Yes, that is what we were taught in elementary school to buy in case of emergency except when the nuclear sirens went off and then we were supposed to get under our desks and I guess use our cloaking devices. If I am ever in a storm so bad I lose electric for a week, what the hell will I do with all that milk? I think there is a conspiracy from the 'Bread Pudding Society of America' going on.

Never mind that I was supposed to be going to my second craft show of the year this weekend and with all this doom coming, they have not as of yet postponed the show until next weekend. I really needed that show and wanted to make some money but I refuse to sit out in a tropical storm remnant trying to hawk my wares. If Southern NJ is still here next week, I will post about survival techniques, but wait!!!! Have you watched the weather channel??? Beware of Hurricane Ike!